Smashmouth Football League Articles

S16Q3.5 SFL Power Rankings (The WWE Wrassler Edition)

by Anthony Fernandez, September 6th, 2023

Welcome everyone! It's your local AP fiend Anthony Fernandez here, ready to ruffle some feathers (and hopefully provide a little entertainment.) I wrote most of this on my planning period at school today, and I prioritized formatting and getting the rankings done (with games kicking off tomorrow). I'll circle back in the morning and add quick blurbs about each team to explain why they were ranked where they were. This article is a Power Rankings, but serves as a revision of a previous thing I did way back in GZL... where I themed the Power Rankings after something that interested me. I think I've done TV shows, Coheed and Cambria songs, rock groups, actors... whatever. So far for SFL, I've done a Simon & Garfunkel themed one at about the midseason mark of 2014, and then the Broadway one and HBO two-parter in 2015. I've been slacking, as the new Zelda dropped (as I talked about the last edition). So I ghosted the end of last year and first part of this year. But I've beat Tears of the Kingdom... almost 100% it... and now I'm back in school, where I can get PAID to write league articles on my planning periods. So here we go. Let's get a trade deadline edition of the Power Rankings so AF can start saving up some AP for that post-sophmore year boost for DE Preston Smith, FS Quadnre Diggs, and a few others... and maybe a Johnny Football tendencey swap to improve his trade value. Anyways, Bengals GM Brady Tinnin suggested we get our WRESTLING edition of this... and I loved it. Seems like a fitting time with three big PPVs recently between AEW/WWE... the CM Punk firing... and also we got our own Discord channel now. Great times in wrasslin'. Here it goes!



Owen Hart
#1 San Francisco 49ers | (8-2)| Last Rank: 3rd (+2)
“I am not a nugget!" - Owen Hart

Owen Hart! One of my favorite wrestlers of all time. Hugely underrated while he was above the dirt, Owen died doing the thing he loved. I'm not completely sure how I landed on this comparison for Peter - maybe it was because I kind of thought he sounded like Owen Hart on the Draft Special Radio Shows. I also knew he was close with Washington GM Justin Walstead, who has won a few Super Bowls here way back (and might have been a natural Bret Hart comparison, had I went another direction with that pick). In that respect, it was nice to see once Justin came back, "little brother" Peter finally got his flowers and won the strap. The Bret v. Owen feud will always be an all-timer for me. The 49ers came into the year under the disguise of taking a step back, but with a little over a month left, it's clear they are STILL the team to beat in SFL. At this point, it would be a surprise if they are not competing in the Championship games for a chance to repeat. As for the "not a nugget" comment, The Rock once described Owen as a little nugget of poop that he'd just flush away. Owen proved he was NOT that. If you'd look at San Fran from 2005 - 2014.. it's a little poopy. But boy, oh boy have they proven they are NOT that. Defending champs, with a team that could easily win again this year.


"Stone Cold" Steve Austin
#2 Kansas City Chiefs | (8-2) | Last Rank: 18th (+16)
“You can talk about your Psalms and your John 3:16. Well, Austin 3:16 says I just whooped your ass." - 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin

And THAT'S the bottom line... cause Rodney said so. Rod was one of my first opps in SFL, which really made no sense since he was in another conference. We drastically differed in values for QB Eli Manning, and both had such large personalities that a simple trade rejection wouldn't not suffice. No, Stone Cold Rodney Mendez gave me both middle fingers, and we got into a heated Discord feud that never quite reached the levels of Austin-McMahon... but for sure ruffled some feathers. We've been good for a minute though, as some time in SFL allowed me the opportunity to see how I was wrong on a lot of those younger points of view (younger to SFL, not necessarily madden leagues). Manning WAS worth much more than I had thought, and Rodney was able to spin him (and some other valuable assets I've shot drunk trade requests for like Trent Richardson, Matt Jones, Calvin Johnson, etc). Right now? The Chiefs are a f-cking machine. Perhaps my MOST overlooked team in my preseason predictions. They have mixed skill with savvy veteran moves and natural aggression that would make Steve Austin smile and pound a couple brewskis. Rod and I were both hot on the trails of vet FS Sabby Piscitelli this offseason in PDME FA, and his savvy move to lower the bonus allowed him to win the bid with more total salary. That never even crossed my mind. The veteran TAUGHT this veteran something. Unfortunately we'd both miss out, as Scott would match, but Rodney went out and built a legit record that allowed him to aggressively pursue Piscitelli via trade. And not only did he land him, he ALSO nabbed DE Chris Long! Mix in some very surprising steals in the draft like HB Charles Sims, TE Tyler Kroft, WR Tyler Lockett, and WR Brandin Cooks and it's no surprise this team is firing on all cylinders. For my money... Rodney is the EASY pick for GM of the Year, regardless of what else happens down the stretch. My only concern on the roster is the QB position... but if Tannehill stays healthy, expect this team to make a deep playoff run.

Mr. Perfect
#3 Minnesota Vikings | (8-2)| Last Rank: 16th (+13)
"I stand for wrestling and that's what I do best so if you wanna duke it out or you wanna have a fist fight: I can run faster, I can jump higher, I can do everything better than you. Know why? I'm perfect" - 'Mr. Perfect' Curt Hennig

Any of you old time wrestling fans remember those Mr. Perfect promos where he would just do random unbelievable feats to prove how perfect he was (like throw a football to himself 70 yards down the field).... that is what it's like GMing against Mr. Wintermute. Neal is one of the most talented roster builders I've ever had the privilege of being around. He rarely misses on draft picks, almost never loses a trade (but somehow always leaves both GMs happy with a fair deal), and always seems to get the most out of the players he develops. On top of all that? He's also genuinely one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. Dare I say... perfect? Neal has done a tremendous job with his current roster. If you think he's been scary so far - his most recent project QB Tyler Wilson is just about reaching his full potential and is only 25 years old. The Vikings are going to be very good for quite some time. The runner-up in the Super Bowl a couple years ago, don't be surprised if they are back this year. Like Mr. Perfect, who never got a run with the BIG title (like he should have), it's time for Neal to add an SFL Championship to the resume.


Bret "The Hitman" Hart
#4 New York Jets | (7-3)| Last Rank: 4th (+/-0)
"I'm the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be." -Bret 'The Hitman' Hart

Bret had the famous catch phrase, and while it would have been easy to save this Canadian star for one of our Canadian GMs... the opportunity to pair Kevin with the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be was just too great. I understand that Kevin may never have the MOST Super Bowl titles in these leagues... but neither did Bret. Bret was never Ric Flair or Cena with the crazy amount of straps. But let's not forget those guys LOST the belt that many times, too. Kevin almost always fields a competitive team, and also puts so much work into these leagues. I am certain GZL wouldn't have lasted as long as it did if it weren't for him. He's already got a SB here, and I like his chances this year (if he stays healthy) more than some of the other teams with better records (clearly). I'm excited to see what the Jets will do in the postseason. For MY money... there is nobody better to ever do this than Kevin.


The Rock
#5 Seattle Seahawks | (8-2)| Last Rank: 5th (+/-0)
"Can you smell la la la lala la la la la la la la lala la la la la.... what THE ROCK... is... COOKING?!? And if you don't like that, the Rock will be laying the smacketh down on all your candy asses!" - 'The Rock' Dwayne Johnson

C'mon, this one was too easy. I made sure to use a picture of The Rock with a mic, because like Dwayne in WWE, and Rock Hewko here in any madden league, it's always money anytime he speaks. Unfortunately, like The Rock's time in WWE, they always left you wishing they were around more, so you could be so royally entertained. The distance has not cost the Seahawks a beat, as they are on pace for another playoff run. This team is super talented and could still win the division. As a GM who had to prepare for these guys in the playoffs last year, I can say with confidence nobody WANTS to see this team in the postseason.


Tatanka
#6 Washington Football Team | (7-3) | Last Rank: 31st (+25)
"Many moons ago, I made a promise to my people to climb TO THE TOP of the World Wrestling Federation!!!" - Tatanka

I know GM Walstead has tried to distance himself from the upsetting imagery of the Washington Redskins, and I respect that.... but this wrestler comp was just too good to pass up. Tatanka was one of the more underused wrestlers of my childhood - I remember being super excited anytime his music would hit for a Royal Rumble or a run-in. High energy guy who always had good matches. I was going to use that war chant "ohhhh ohhhh ya yaya etc" as the quote, but quickly decided against it... as it just felt racist as SHIT, even though it did make me chuckle. Damn you, Dan Snyder, damn you. As for the SFL version of this team, I've vowed to not say anything in my publications that could be interpreted as an attack, or slight, or insult, or not an appropriate distribution of earned credit... so I'll keep it brief. The 2016 SFL Redskins are better than the 2016 SFL Cowboys. Congrats, and good luck. But not too much luck, because if Washington wins a Super Bowl before that regression hits, after how publically I said they wouldn't, I may have to dip from SFL like I just lost a "loser leaves town" match.


"The Demon" Finn Balor
#7 Atlanta Falcons | (7-3) | Last Rank: 25th ( +18 )
"After seven long years, after everything you took from me, I am going to take it all back. And the only song that you are going to hear is the singing in your ears as both my hands are raised as the new World Heavyweight Champion." - 'The Demon' Finn Balor

It would have been really easy to give Garth the OTHER Bushwacker (the Pearce brothers are Aussies, right?) but ultimately this huge turnaround they've had (while on the hotseat) was worthy of their own guy. Finn has easily been one of my favorite guys in WWE. I was positive we had years of Demon vs. Bray Wyatt matches at Wrestlemanias for years to come... but it just wasn't to be. RIP Bray. As for Bray, his first Universal Title run was a little unearned... similar to how Garth took over for a vacant team that won a Super Bowl, if I remember correctly. That success never caught on and the team has struggled, like Finn. But now? It feels like the Falcons are a real threat in the NFC, and perhaps they'll win another Super Bowl. If that's the case, may Finn Balor's next title reign be better than his first.


Razor Ramon
#8 Cincinnati Bengals | (7-3) | Last Rank: 11st (+3)
"Hey yo! Bad times don't last, but bad guys do." - Razor Ramon

Ah, good guy that thinks he's a bad guy, Brady Tinnin. Brady is lowkey 50% of the reason I rejoined Madden leagues. One of my favorite dudes from back in the day, and also the reason this article is themed the way it was, as it was his suggestion to do wrestlers. With the Bengals trading their draft picks to draft a future starting QB, I think a lot of teams overlooked and wrote off the Bengals, but Stanback has been an absolute monster. The Bengals are a real threat to win the Super Bowl, which would allow Brady a great opportunity to go right into his rebuild next year and develop Goff. I'd love to see Brady hoist the Lombardi. No surprise I went with Razor here, as he's one of my favorite of all time, and easily THE most talented wrestler in wrestling history to never win one of the MAJOR World Championships. To my knowledge, I don't think Brady has (yet), either. I hope that changes this year.


Vince McMahon
#9 San Diego Chargers | (7-3) | Last Rank: 23rd (+14)
“Where is that son of a bitch?! Take me to that son of a bitch!!” - Vince McMahon

The boss man! I almost gave Will Triple H, as lowkey I think the league unanimously loves Will and his leadership in a way that the WWE locker room has really rallied around Triple H being in charge. Ultimately though, anytime I hear this Vince McMahon promo where he's like "bring me that son of a bitch!", I just think of Will and Bryan Mellon. Maybe I'm too embedded in the Washington-Dallas rivalry now? Either way, it brings a smile to my face when I think of Will jumping Bryan (on the football field slash wrestling ring) and talking mad shit to his former division bully!


Kurt Angle
#10 Cleveland Browns | (7-3) | Last Rank: 24th (+14)
"Oh it's true.... it's DAMN true!" - Kurt Angle

Surely I can't be the only person that's seen Ian's profile picture in the American Flag jacket? Screams Kurt Angle! The Browns have been amazing this year. I drastically underestimated them Week 1, and it sent my year in a spiral I wasn't quite expecting. I'm happy for my old PTI partner Ian, and I hope the Browns do big things in the playoffs. It's true, it's damn true.


Mick Foley
#11 Indianapolis Colts | (8-2)| Last Rank: 13th (+2)
“Bang, Bang! Owwww, have mercy! Have a nice day!.” - Cactus Jack / Dude Love / Mankind / Mick Foley

BRECK!?! The many faces of Foley, the many faces of Breck. I'm not sure what the exact count is on the multiple personalities Breck has had in these leagues... I believe there was a woman at some point, and maybe a couple more. Mick Foley was ALWAYS entertaining, regardless of the persona, so a great fit for Breck. Breck is such a good dude, and whether it's the amazing food or beer photos, the funny trade offers, or just his passion for SFL and always seeing him online... it's somebody you want in your company... like Mick Foley. Breck is also very genuine, and always gives credit on league articles, which means a lot to the authors (trust me). Wish an amazing (8-2) record, Breck probably should be ranked higher.. but that Brady Quinn injury is scary. And while buddy Apolo is trying like hell to deflect attention to Indy, I think the Titans are probably betting favorites to take that division now... unless Apolo does something dumb like start Wenning.


Rey Mysterio Jr.
#12 Tennessee Titans | (6-4)| Last Rank: 12th (+/-0)
"For me, the people who doubt me only fuel me to prove them wrong. I want to prove to them that I am better than they think I am and that I deserve to be on top and I deserve to be World Heavyweight Champion." - Rey Mysterio Jr.

Apolo has been working overtime to try and deflect the AFC South division hype to the Colts, and Breck hasn't done much to defuse it. But they're used to this. Breck has dubbed the Titans the "SFL All Stars" for years, so it's natural that Apolo would want to deflect and redistribute some of that pressure. But I think we all know how talented the Titans are, and even without Henry for a few weeks, I think they're likely to come back and win this division with Brady Quinn injured. As for Mysterio, I think it's the perfect pick for Apolo. For those of you that didn't watch wrestling, understand that MOST of these guys on the list over the course of a career pretty seamlessly rotated between face (good guy) or heel (bad guy). Mysterio is one of the few guys who was a good guy MOST of his career. Mysterio is just TOO likeable. He doesn't work as a heel. I feel the same way about Apolo. Mysterio literally had to TAKE OFF THE MASK to be a bad guy... and even that didn't work well. Apolo would literally need to unmask (and reveal himself as Tyler Richardson) to get any real heel heat. Even if you hate how many 1st round picks he ends up with, he just does SO much for the league and works so hard to make it a more fun place that you have to root for him. You know your league is better with him in it. And yes, I do believe one day he'll get a run with the strap, as our World Champion. Will it be THIS year? Maybe. But he might have to wait for Wenning to be fully developed.


"Ravishing" Rick Rude
#13 Denver Broncos | (6-4)| Last Rank: 1st (-12)
"Cut the music. What I'd like to have right now is for all you fat out-of-shape sweat hogs, keep the noise down while I take my robe off and show the ladies what a real man looks like. Hit the music." - 'Ravishing' Rick Rude

I loved this pick for Tom of Rick Rude, because I think it's easy for Tom's brash sense of humor to come off as rude. But he makes a lot of good points... and if the venom isn't targeted at YOU, he's a very funny guy. I think in my madden GMing career multiple times I've veered back and forth between absolutely being at odds with this guy and wondering if I was blocked or if I should block him, to thinking he's incredibly hysterical and knowing he'd be the life of a party at a meetup and would have guys in stitches laughing. That was the kind of guy Rick Rude was in the locker room. I think the analogy also worked because Tom's teams are also built pretty ravishingly, and at any given time there are a handful of players you wish you could trade for, but Tom just refuses to trade guys he likes. The Broncos added a key piece at the trade deadline, and while I'm not sure they'll win the West... I think they'll make the playoffs, and perhaps the underdog role will serve them a little better than the top dog role they've had the last while.


"Macho Man" Randy Savage
#14 Detroit Lions | (6-4)| Last Rank: 10th (-4)
“Too hot to handle, too cold to hold. I'm the tower of power, too sweet to be sour. I'm funky like a monkey. Sky's the limit, and space is the place!” - 'Macho Man' Randy Savage

Macho Man is in my Mount Rushmore of wrestlers. His promos were completely unhinged, but he was hilarious. He was also a technical wrestler that would apparently memorize every single move of his matches ahead of time with little improvising. His match with Ricky "the Dragon" Steamboat was a classic. I liked the idea of Justin's face being on Savage when he was cutting some of those promos. Hopefully when Bridgewater wins a Super Bowl in Detroit, Justin cuts a cream of the crop promo. I don't think it'll be THIS year, but I think it's close. Lions are good.


"The American Nightmare" Cody Rhodes
#15 Carolina Panthers | (6-4)| Last Rank: 7th ( -8 )
"One thing I learned from my old man is that people are going to be happy for you, but not too happy." - 'The American Nightmare' Cody Rhodes

I know Cody doesn't fit the "old school" wrestlers theme very well, and I still kind of think of him as an AEW guy, but c'mon... the Mellons as the Rhodes family was too good to pass. Phil needed a big year to save his job, and it looks like he'll get that. Are they a real threat to win the Super Bowl? Time will tell, but I wouldn't rule it out with his lineage.


"The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes
#16 Tampa Bay Buccaneers | (4-6) | Last Rank: 6th (-10)
"I am the hit-maker, the record-breaker. I got style and grace, a pretty face. I'll make your back crack, your liver quiver. I have wined and dined with kings and queens and I've slept in alleys and dined on pork and beans." - 'The American Dream' Dusty Rhodes

Dusty! One of the greatest to ever do it, like Bryan Mellon here in SFL. Two hilarious dudes that aren't afraid to take their shirt off, baybee. Unlike Dusty, Bryan HAS won the big championship belt... and he'll probably win more. He's ranked a little higher here than his record indicates he should be, but this team is mad talented. They are just struggling because of the Cousins injury... but they'll be back. I think they survived the trade deadline without being "wooed" with too many ridiculous offers to unload his vets, so this team should be mostly in tact for a run next year.


Bill Goldberg
#17 Philadelphia Eagles | (5-5) | Last Rank: 32nd (+15)
“Who's Next? - Bill Goldberg”

I had a hard time placing a wrestler with my good buddy AC, but then it hit me... last season most of his matches were over in 60 seconds... GOLDBERG! Although last year, he was getting blown out with a historically bad rookie QB, and this year his team is solid. All he needed was a QB. I think this team is a fringe playoff contender, but it will be interesting to see if they drop another game soon if they pivot and try to get their new rookie some starts. This team should have 6 wins and another year on the contract wrapped up very soon. Another reason he was Goldberg is because he just refuses to job for me. Management wants to put me over, but he just crushes my hopes in some late season meaningless (for him) game at the end of each season. Put me over, punk.


Eddie Guerrero
#18 St. Louis Rams | (5-5) | Last Rank: 29th (+11)
"How can you beat somebody who's already lost everything?" - Eddie Guerrero

Eddie was one of my favorite wrestlers growing up as a latino. I'm not sure if he's a great comp for Felipe... as Eddie's whole stick was "if you aren't cheating you aren't trying", and Felipe seems like such a nice and honest kid. But Eddie probably was at 18, too, right? Perhaps years of hardship and wasted opportunities playing in a TOUGH division with Hall of Fame GMs like Peter (49ers), Rock (Seahawks), and Scott (Cardinals) will turn the poor boy wonder into a heel. Either way, Eddie was always a ton of fun, and Felipe's teams are definitely that. They can score 40 points in no time. They probably could have been ranked a little higher, I just think they're at such a disadvantage when you have these juggernauts like Seattle and San Fran to compete with. It almost makes the 6 seed each year your ceiling.


The Ultimate Warrior
#19 Baltimore Ravens | (5-5)| Last Rank: 9th (-10)
"Greatness is not given. It is beaten out of oneself!" - Ultimate Warrior

Warrior is for sure one of the GOATs. When I think of SFL, the Ravens are a team that has been a force of nature each year I've been here. I've got them on my schedule to close the year out, paired with the NFC West, and I immediately wonder if it's safer to just play for (6-10) and try again next year. Warrior is a presence like that, as you knew his crazy ass was running down to the ring, shaking all the ropes, kicking your ass, and then running right back to the locker room to yell at Hulk Hogan or something. Norb is a great GM, and he's doing the league a generous service by developing Jimmy G, because Thigpen can still SLING it. Jimmy G is going to be really good, too. Well run organization, just like in the NFL.


Triple H
#20 Dallas Cowboys | (5-5) | Last Rank: 21st (+1)
“It's all about the GAME... and how you play it.” - Triple H

So I wanted to give Will Triple H, since he's so popular and HHH is universally liked as "the boss" in WWE. However, Vince was too good to pass for Will, so HHH the WRESTLER is not a bad comp for my Madden career. I've won some belts, not in SFL, but a lot in RZL and GZL. I've also put in some time RUNNING a league, so I know the burdens of that and have those scars for this passion we all share. Ironically, despite some past success in Madden league, I think my legacy is less remembered for the title wins, and more for some of the trade activity. Triple H in a similar way was highly successful, but a lot of those titles are not historically revered because it's like... well, he was banging the bosses daughter. In RZL and GZL, I always felt like guys were like, "well he's the boss, of course he's gonna get the great trade, the great draft pick, and win some titles." So for me, in my 2nd act here in SFL, it would mean a lot to me personally, and to my legacy, to find a little success... like HHH is in his 2nd act. I think my team will remain competitive, but are a LONG shot in the division after getting swept by Washington. Wildcard will be tough, but maybe a victory over the Rams might save us. Still more likely we miss the playoffs and have to win 9 or 10 games next year just to avoid the hot seat.


"Rowdy" Roddy Piper
#21 Jacksonville Jaguars | (4-6) | Last Rank: 27th (+6)
"Just when they think they know all the answers, I change the questions." - 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper

Olly is a fkn OG. I love Olly. He's exactly how I want foreigners to be in my mind. Always trouble free, drinking something good, eating something strange but tasty, and dropping in hilarious anecdotes to make me laugh while simultaneously visiting the most gorgeous places on the planet and rubbing it in our face that America is beautiful.. but will never be AS beautiful as some of the other places around the globe. Olly also has no problem being a shit talker. Also like Piper's great quote about changing the questions, Olly did just that a year ago when he completely redid all his skill positions. Winston is starting to look like a stud though, and it's clear ROWDY Olly is gonna get the last laugh. Olly came here to kick ass and chew bubble gum... and he's ALMOST all out of bubble gum.


Bushwhacker Butch
#22 Houston Texans | (4-6) | Last Rank: 22nd (+/-0)
"WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAA!!!!" - Bushwhacker Butch

This one was too easy. I love the Pearce brothers, we owe so much of our fun in these leagues to them. So I feel incredibly bad giving him essentially a jobber with the Bushwhackers... just because he's Australian. Texans have had some bad luck this year for sure. I check on this roster almost weekly just to keep tabs on my old player Theilen, and I'm always surprised why he's not getting reps. I think he's been banged up. They've had some other injuries. They have a top 10 offense, but give up almost more points than anyone in the league. They're getting takeaways, but not enough sacks. It's been a tough year. I ended up NOT giving Wade's brother Garth one of the Bushwhackers, so I guess I had to clarify which Bushwhacker Wade is. Butch is now (unfortunately) dead, while Luke is still alive. I hope Wade keeps the team and is more Luke... but it's looking like it might sadly be Butch. Speaking of them, I just found out with a quick wiki search the Bushwhackers are KIWIS, not Aussies. My childhood is a lie. My dad used to take us to the Bushwhackers Down Under restaurant when it existed in Tampa, Florida! I loved that place. I assumed it was just a straight rip off of Outback since both were Australian. Yikes. I hope I've offended no Kiwis in my lifetime, or with this AP grab.


Roman Reigns
#23 Miami Dolphins | (3-7)| Last Rank: 8th (-15)
"I am the big dog. This is MY yard. Acknowledge me!" - Roman Reigns

In an alternative universe, based off of Byran Mellon's success, he might have been a good comp for Roman. And maybe if his record was better I'd have done that. But they are struggling, and so are the Dolphins. I could have thrown another European here too, like Sheamus, or Wade Barrett (I'm afraid I've got some BAD NEWS... YOUR RECORD! ha) But ultimately since I've been here, this has been the Dolphins' yard. Daren has built an incredible team that was the AFC Champion for something stupid like three straight YEARS. That's Roman Reigns levels of dominance. This year they are developing Mariota - and the league should be thankful - because Palmer can still play. I almost wish they'd toss the big dog in for the last month and see if they can't snatch a Wild Card and cause some chaos in the playoffs.


"The British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith
#24 Arizona Cardinals | (3-7) | Last Rank: 28th (+/-0)
"The British Bulldog is hunting your tracks. I've been running for ya, and I'm gonna catch ya." - 'The British Bulldog' Davey Boy Smith

Scott is an amazing GM and legit one of my favorite guys in the league. I'll always regret missing the meetup in FLORIDA (my home state) where he came across the pond. Scott got booted out of Detroit, but built a Champion in Arizona. They've struggled with injuries this year, so it's a step back, but when you've got a Super Bowl you can take your time. Bulldog was one of my favorites growing up, and his match with Bret Hart is an all-timer. I think I cried real tears as a kid watching. Underrated wrestler that probably deserved a run with the main title, but was SO good on the undercard. Even late stage career Bulldog with the small shirts and stupid high jeans was fun to watch. That Rumble false finish where HBK hung onto the ropes and everyone thought Bulldog won? I was convinced my man was finally getting the belt. Anyways... probably won't happen for the Cardinals this year, but Scott is smart and he knows that. He traded some vets for good returns, and he'll be back competing in no time.


"Hollywood" Hulk Hogan
#25 Pittsburgh Steelers | (3-7)| Last Rank: 14th (-11)
"When you're with the nWo, when you're with Hollywood... you're just.... too... sweet, BROTHER!" - 'Hollywood' Hulk Hogan

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BROTHER! Whatcha gonna do when "Hollywood" Gary Cohen and the Pittsburgh Steelers have every god damn 1st round draft pick in the round one year, BROTHER! Because it's going to happen! HA! I kid, I kid. Full disclosure, I love Gary. He seems like such a cool guy. So cool, in fact, that I couldn't make him THE HULKSTER, he had to be Hollywood... who might have been one of the coolest MFers of my childhood when the nWo hit. I know that was more WCW than WWE, but they brought it over, so it counts. His Wrestlemania match with Rock was a classic. Gary is so likeable that you'll be making trades with him irresponsibly for your draft picks, and you'll know you're probably gonna regret it, but you just don't care. It's similar to the Apolo effect. So yes, I've been feeding Pittsburgh a 1st (or two) the last couple years... and I will CONTINUE to, BROTHER! The Steelers are struggling, and are targeted weekly in the Pick'em with Sudfield under center. But they're gonna be really good once he's ready, and they draft a bunch of studs with all these picks.


The Undertaker
#26 Green Bay Packers | ( 2-8 )| Last Rank: 15th (-11)
"The fear of death is far greater than the death itself." - The Undertaker

Gary is awesome. I believe we are fellow grandpas. Undertaker can't be killed. Like Mr. Hickman's run in Green Bay. For years and years my man has avoided getting kicked out, including being fired and rehired because nobody wanted to go to Green Bay. This year he looked poised to survive, but an injury to Luck cost them a successful season. Pretty sure that injury gives him a pass though, but don't be surprised if Luck (now healthy) gets to 6 wins anyway. Everytime the Undertaker is down, he sits back up.


"The Nature Boy" Ric Flair
#27 Buffalo Bills | ( 2-8 ) | Last Rank: 26th (-1)
“I'll never retire, and I'll never die! WOOOOOOO.” - 'The Nature Boy' Ric Flair

Ric is the greatest of all time, a fantastic promo. But this is not 16-time World Champion Flair being assigned to the Bills. This is multiple retirement match loss Ric Flair. Is it time for likeable GM Brandon to take the sweet chin music and get counted down 1-2-3 and be done in Buffalo? Maybe. But I'll be rooting for Naitch wherever he ends up.


Jake "The Snake" Roberts
#28 New Orleans Saints | ( 2-8 ) | Last Rank: 19th (-9)
“The snake will always bite back.” - Jake 'The Snake' Roberts

New Orleans... snakes? I dunno. I don't have much here. I don't know Nathan very good. I don't think he's ever once replied to a trade offer from me, or a PM, or a discord message. Come to think about it I don't know if he's ever even posted on Discord. Great wrestler, though.


"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels
#29 Oakland Raiders | (1-9) | Last Rank: 17th (-12)
"I was attitude in this place before it was a catchphrase." - 'The Heartbreak Kid' Shawn Michaels

Poor Brad. My guy thought his luck changed when Henne hit the Fountain of Youth... but all season it's been bad news followed by more bad news. Talk about HEARTBREAK!? This Raiders team is super talented, and still has time to win a Super Bowl with this core... but they had a competitive year stole from them in 2016.


Chris Jericho
#30 New York Giants | ( 2-8 )| Last Rank: 20th (-10)
"You just made THE LIST, you stupid idiot." - Chris Jericho

Another funny guy that you love if he's your bud, and can't stand if he's your enemy. I'm glad Romeo and I are cool now, because early tensions in the division sucked. True story, Jericho is my favorite wrestler of all time. I think he's a legend. He's reinvented himself (successfully) more than ANY other person in the sport. That's what the Giants have ahead of them now. They dominated the East for a while, but they've got to reinvent that roster this offseason and see what version of Y2Romeo comes next. Jericho, also a legendary shit talker, which fit Romeo perfect.



John Cena
#31 New England Patriots | (1-9) | Last Rank: 30th (-1)
"I never back down, I never quit! I regret nothing and fear less. Live fast, fight hard, no regrets! My time is now!" - John Cena

You can't see John Cena, and I couldn't see the Patriots being this bad this year. But they've got a ton of weapons, and Carr is CLOSE. Consider the Pats the early John Cena... the Dr. of Thugonomics. He's just getting his groove, but once Carr is fully developed, don't be surprise if he is a record setting World Champion.


"The Canadian Crippler" Chris Benoit
#32 Chicago Bears | (3-7)| Last Rank: 2nd (-30)
"The crippler is the most intimidating force in the wrestling business." - Chris Benoit
So obviously a controversial pick. Benoit the WRESTLER - legend. Benoit the HUMAN - fucking garbage. As for how it fits here, when I saw Eric Ainge got hurt for like.. three weeks? And my man put him on the IR for the season? He crippled a star QB, lol. I mean I know they were a long shot to win the division, but that's tanking, no? Meh, whatever. Presents an easy person to pick against in the Eliminator Pool, and an easy 32nd place as one of the few teams who isn't even TRYING to win.


Thanks for reading! I'll finish this with the blurbs for each team tomorrow!