Smashmouth Football League Articles

S17Q3.5 SFL Power Rankings (The Meme/GIF Edition)

by Anthony Fernandez, January 4th, 2024

Welcome back! The last Power Rankings was so well received (the wrestlers), that honestly I've been a little intimidated at trying to do another one of these. I didn't really have any ideas for a theme... but then I saw you could post a GIF on the forums just like you could an image. I just thought that was too cool. You learn something new every day. I had hoped to get this out closer to the midseason mark... when Breck and I were still undefeated... but life happened. So here we are, at the Q3.5 mark (ironically about the same time I published the wrestlers article, I think). Anyways, this took a LOT of time to format, but I'm OCD and I wanted it to look nice. So I'll probably keep the blurbs about each category a little brief. Also, we probably won't get another AP update before the season ends since we just got one (thanks Neal!!), but I already spent all that, so these can be points I bank for my extra restructure this off-season. Anyway, here goes. Hope you enjoy reading!


"Hey, Look At Us" Meme
#1 Dallas Cowboys | (14-0) | Last Rank: 20th (+19)
#2 Detroit Lions | (10-4)| Last Rank: 14th (+12)
“Hey, look at us. Who woulda thought?!? Not me!!" - Justin and AF drunk at 3am talking at the dining room table of the SFL Meetup after everybody else fell asleep. (probably)

Ok, so that isn't a real quote. In fact, NONE of the quotes in this article are real. It's satire, and hopefully kind of funny. But I do have a real quote. It's from Lions GM Justin Herr, who before the season when I published my season predictions said, "Funny how you think ur getting a bye, *cringe emoji* *crying laughing emoji*" Flash forward to Dallas clinching the #1 seed before they even lost a game! Was it extra motivation this year? Sure. But it's also far from over. The Lions are VERY good, and if I'm lucky enough to advance far enough in the playoffs, I have a sneaking suspicion I'll be seeing the Lions. Bridgewater is legit and having a great season. Ironically it looks like the Lions won the Bradford trade with the Redskins... and then the Redskins won the Bradford trade with the Titans. Who'd have thunk getting rid of a Top 3 QB in the league would be a GOOD decision TWICE? Anyways, the Lions have lots of ways to beat you. They've been very aggressive in the draft and free agency, and they're going to be good for quite some time. Bridgewater has a weak arm, so when he starts regressing he won't have as long of a lifespan as some other QBs... but he's still going to be very good until then. As for my Cowboys? Nobody wants to talk about them. (14-0) is better than I could have ever hoped for... but we've been VERY lucky. Like crazy Madden luck. Can it hold up two more games to provide the first, and surely last, (16-0) season of all time? Probably not. I'm sure we'll drop one of the next two... which might be a blessing for our odds of winning a Super Bowl this year, because (19-0) CAN'T happen, and never will. Even Josh Freeman got a spot start for SFL MVP Mike Glennon this week, and he led the league in passing yards. But how many of these articles can I post being cocky and NOT have it jinx me? This surely has to be the one. Take Washington in the eliminator this week.


"Peter Griffin Injury" Meme
#3 Indianapolis Colts | (11-3)| Last Rank: 11th ( +8 )
“F*$% OFF! Call the Jets!" - Breck to his Head Coach after the training staff tells them Brady Quinn is out for two months AGAIN and asks if it's Wentz time until the playoffs. (probably)

Last year the Colts were (8-2) before losing their starting QB and finishing (0-6) to MISS the playoffs. This year? They suffered the same tragic injury, but they didn't just turn the team over to youngster Wentz. They went out and brought Sanchez back, and while it hasn't been perfect... they have appeared to right the ship. This team is one of the most banged up teams in SFL... but they should get Brady Quinn back in the playoffs, which would be a huge boost for the current best team in the AFC. I'm sure Breck is relieved to have avoided such a devastating finish two years in a row... but if the bonus prize is having to host a 5-seeded Titans team fresh off a Super Bowl win in the Divisional Round... I can't say there will be much relief for Breck (or any GM) in that scenario. Better have Quinn back for that one.


"Shoutout To The GOAT" Meme
#4 San Francisco 49ers | (9-5)| Last Rank: 1st (-3)
#5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers | (9-5) | Last Rank: 16th (+11)
“Listen Peter, if you're gonna hang out in the Super Bowl Champion secret lobby, you're gonna have to keep your skateboard outside and wash your dishes so this place looks nice for Apolo." - Threetime SFL Champion Bryan Mellon to "the new guy" last season when they were welcoming Apolo, his OnlyFan. (probably)


Two former Super Bowl Champions lingering just within reach to SLAP DOWN the inexperienced Cowboys and Lions playoff dreams. It hasn't happened YET, but believe me one of these two teams is breaking the hearts of Cowboys or Lions fans in the playoffs. Bryan Mellon is already a legend, the GOAT of SFL, but Peter could really begin to put himself in that conversation by adding another Super Bowl this year. Especially if he eliminates Tampa en route (yet again). Both of these teams have looked AMAZING this year at times, and have looked AWFUL this year at times. It will be interesting to see which version shows up, but based off of their history, you have to think we'll get the best version of these teams in the playoffs.


"Spiderman Pointing" Meme
#6 San Diego Chargers | (9-5) | Last Rank: 9th (+3)
#7 Oakland Raiders | (8-6) | Last Rank: 29th (+22)
“NO!! F&^$ you! YOU win the West. Don't tell ME what to do!" - Will to Brad, after the Raiders lose Henne and drop the AFC West again, only for Will to drop two games in a row and not clinch. (probably)

The West was there for the taking for the Chargers, but back-to-back losses has them vulnerable. It's still theirs to lose... but getting swept by the Raiders opens the door for Oakland to sneak past them. It doesn't help that San Diego heads to Tennessee to play the reigning Super Bowl Champions. Week 17 the Redskins will likely be playing to prevent losing a year on their GM contract, so they won't lay down for that one, either. Does Will have a history with Washington? Hmm. As for the RaiDUHs, they are playing against a rookie QB vs. the Browns this week, and then MAY get Henne back for a big Week 17 clash with the Ravens.


"Remember the Titans Defense" Meme
#8 Tennessee Titans | (9-5)| Last Rank: 12th (+4)
“Shape up that defense, Yoast. Otherwise I'll have the Mother of Dragons or Scooby Doo coaching these boys before the Chargers plane lands in Tennessee." - Strict GM Apolo Shapiro to his Defensive Coordinator after they allow only 4 field goals in three weeks but he wanted more shutouts. (probably)

The Tennessee (Remember the) Titans have given up 14.6 points per game... super impressive considering NO team has ever finished a season better than 15.8! To get there they have given up a TD or less SEVEN times this season. That is insane. They are playing SUCH good defense. They'll need it the last two weeks, too, as they are playing a Chargers team playing for their postseason lives... and then they play in Seattle against a Seahawks team that just lit up the Bucs. The Chargers are averaging 24.1 ppg and the Seahawks are averaging 27.1 ppg (6th best). Personally, I think the Titans will win both of those games, but I do think they might JUST miss the average points record. I'm rooting for them to get it, however.


"Stay Focused" Meme
#9 Carolina Panthers | (8-6)| Last Rank: 15th (+6)
#10 Minnesota Vikings | (8-6)| Last Rank: 3rd (-7)
#11 Baltimore Ravens | (8-6)| Last Rank: 19th ( +8 )
“Look - I love you. I respect you. But please don't talk to me until the playoffs." - Neal, Phil, and Norb when anyone tries to talk to them while they're doing their best to hold shit together with chaos ensuing all around them. (probably)

Three GMs who have various degrees of chaos happening around them: Ravens GM Norb is (unfortunately) dealing with real life chaos happening around him, the Vikings are dealing with one of the wildest injury lists I've ever seen (5 starters), and the Panthers are trying not to lose their job despite posting (potentially) 18 wins over the last 30 games. It looks like all three of these teams will make it into the tournament, and should be pretty dangerous once they get there, but it has NOT been easy. The Ravens have kept the pole position while the Steelers/Bengals rough each other up, the Panthers have had some tough losses but possess the tiebreakers they need to secure the bag (and contract extention), and the Vikings COULD be getting most of these starters back in the postseason if they can JUST get there.


"Step Brothers Fight" Meme
#12 Cincinnati Bengals | (8-6) | Last Rank: 8th (-4)
#13 Pittsburgh Steelers | (8-6)| Last Rank: 25th (+12)
“Get out of my face or I'm gonna roundhouse your @$$." - Brady to Gary at the AFC North housewarming party for Gary a few seasons ago. (probably)

These two teams have had a bitter rivalry for years, but that escalated a bit last year when the Bengals traded Pittsburgh their 1st round pick to move up and secure Franchise QB Jared Goff. The Bengals PROBABLY should have played Goff more as a rookie... but ya know, didn't wanna give a division rival a top 5 pick. This year, they've got Goff much more reps, but it appears they are now close enough to a Super Bowl that Goff has found his way back to the bench (until a win over the Chargers this week). As for the Steelers, they have definitely overachieved this year while platooning young Nate Sudfeld with veteran Andre Woodson. With Pittsburgh needing to get off the hot seat, it's understandable, but now they're off it you'd think Sudfeld is back. But they're also in contention for a playoff spot. All these tough decisions. While each of these teams juggles their QB positions, the Ravens will likely sneak away with the AFC North.


"Sinking Ship" Meme
#14 New England Patriots | (7-7) | Last Rank: 31st (+17)
“Dolphins? Never heard of her." - Proud Patriot Briston as he's seemingly last-man-standing in the AFC East and is one step closer to winning it all. (probably)

The Patriots went from (2-0), to (2-5), but have now won 5 of the last 7 games to get to (7-7) and first place in the AFC East. When the NFC East was DOWN a few years ago like this, I think we got WAYYY more shit than this, but all the GMs in the AFC East are just so likeable, while we're kind of sarcastic assholes over in the NFC East. At least the Patriots have got back near .500 so they should look respectable heading into the playoffs. And once you're in, everybody is (0-0). Stranger things have happened, and if it's the Patriots, I fully expect them to win a playoff game. They have emerged from the choas unschathed.


"Michael Jackson Popcorn" Meme
#15 St. Louis Rams | (7-7) | Last Rank: 18th (+3)
#16 Philadelphia Eagles | (7-7) | Last Rank: 17th (+1)
“Two hot seat GMs fighting for ONE playoff spot?!? Time to do something BAD. It's gonna be a THRILLER." - Diehard Eagles fan/GM AC as he contemplates how to f#$% a (probably) minor Rams GM..... out of a playoff spot/job. (probably)

The Eagles now need to win the last two games to save their job. The Rams -probably- do, too. It's becoming more and more likely that ONE of these two GMs will lose their jobs, and there is a strong chance they BOTH will. The Panthers are the other team needing to save their job, but they feel like the favorites for the Wild Card. With the Packers already being fired, it will be very interesting to see what happens. The Giants are safe, the Steelers are safe, the Raiders are safe. The Packers will almost NEED St. Louis and Philly to get fired, PLUS the Saints to not invoke the QB injury clause just for a chance to stay in GB. Ironically, if it ends up being GB/STL/PHI, I have a hard time thinking any of those GMs actually leave. Felipe would take STL back, AC would take the Eagles, and Gary would have the Packers. Unless... Apolo enters and snatches Philly after he completes the back-to-back Super Bowl wins in Tennessee this year.


"World's Best Boss" Meme
#17 Denver Broncos | (7-7)| Last Rank: 13th (-4)
#18 Houston Texans | (7-7) | Last Rank: 22nd (+4)
“First year of our contract, so we can do whatever we want?!? F#$%ing sweet." - Tim Miller and Brandon Lindgren in the suite before the game getting high and/or drunk while eating amazing food. (probably)

A couple "new" GMs (veteran GMs on new teams) just having some fun. Unlike the Falcons and Redskins, who are on winning streaks but have beat pretty weak teams, the Bills and Broncos have some quality wins on their resume. I think both of these teams are going to be very successful, and ultimately it's gonna crush GMs Tom Collins and Brandon Lindgren having to watch these two teams be very good, very soon.


"Hank is Gone" Meme
#19 Atlanta Falcons | (7-7) | Last Rank: 7th (-12)
#20 Washington Football Team | (7-7) | Last Rank: 6th (-14)
“Walstead!? Walstead?! You didn't. Tell me you didn't ask him when HE has to prove himself and then say 'next year?' the season before he nearly goes undefeated... did you? Dear God, Walstead, you know he screenshotted that. You HAVE to beat them this week. Don't let that MFer go (16-0), trust me." - Garth Pearce screaming to a dejected Washington GM who didn't think it could get WORSE than getting eliminated by Dallas in the playoffs last year and having to watch them in the NFC Championship. (probably)

Does AF keep receipts? Of course. Does (14-0) "prove" myself as a competent GM? Probably not. After all, Super Bowls are all that matters. But I digress. Both of these GMs have one, and I do not (here). Both of these GMs did very well drafting last year, and will be good very soon. But the cost of playing young players is that you struggle. That's what we're seeing here. With both teams making the playoffs last year, they need to win out to avoid losing a year on their contracts. I thought this gif was also appropriate because of the desert. Sure, only Garth is Australian (I think), but the Redskins season really started to turn when they lost @Atlanta in Week 9. Up to that point they were (5-2) with a game in Dallas two weeks away. Had they won that and got to (6-2), maybe things go a little different and they're able to hang the first L on the Dallas Cowboys. Maybe. All I know is that they'll be perfectly satisfied hanging an L on them this week to prevent the undefeated season. A feat that, while surely unfulfilling after having reached the pinnacle of this hobby... an a year of ups and downs, it's not an awful way for them to end the year. It would for sure be another notch of bitterness on the greatest rivalry in SFL history... the Cowboys and Redskins.


"Never Give Up, Never Surrender" Meme
#21 Miami Dolphins | (6-8 )| Last Rank: 23rd (+2)
“Am I still alive for another AFC East Championship? Yes. Does it look bleak? Also yes." - Dolphins GM Daren Roberts as he spins his Super Bowl ring on his finger talking to himself. (probably)

The Dolphins are technically still alive, and it would be the most Daren shit ever if he somehow snuck back into the AFC East race and won the AFC Championship. That would be epic. It's not incredibly likely, as they continue to develop Mariota, but that would be fun to watch. One of the best GMs in our community.


"Step Brothers High Five" Meme
#22 New York Giants | (6-8 )| Last Rank: 30th (+8 )
#23 Kansas City Chiefs | (6-8 ) | Last Rank: 2nd (-21)
“DAD?!?! You can't ground us for our performance this year... it's not our fault. We got screwed. Wait... give back the remote, it's SHARK WEEK!" - The Mendez brothers recovering this off-season at the family reunion. (probably)

The Giants have legitimately been one of the most unlikely teams in the league this year, as they should easily be in the NFC playoff hunt. Now, they'll probably pivot to develop Watson... but they are so young and talented that they'll be competing again very soon. They survived the hot seat, so that was priority one. Rodany was my pick to WIN the Super Bowl this year, so it's been a big surprise to see them struggle. But to their credit, they've been TRYING every week, and they keep on winning. Don't be surprised if this team ends up around .500! And they should be back to competing next year.


"What's In The Box" Meme
#24 Green Bay Packers | (5-9)| Last Rank: 26th (+2)
“Will. Will! You tell me right damned now... what is in that box?!? WILL! No. It's not... a pink slip? WILL! We were in Green Bay TOGETHER. We sat in Lambeau. WILL!!! What's in the BOX!!!!!?!?" - Distressed current Packers GM Gary Hickman opening his end of season gift from SFL Commish Will Cook. (probably)

#GaryHickman4theGMsave is officially underway. It is shaping up like we WILL have a chance for a GM save, and you already know that Gary has my vote. The Packers didn't live up to expectations this year... even though they are in line to potentially win more games this year than last. They should already have 6 wins, frankly, as they got robbed out of a 27-0 lead they had against Dallas. It's tough. This team tried to get rid of Gary for years, and there was nowhere to go. Now he's there, making good trades, making good draft picks, falling in love with the tradition.. and NOW he's going to have to move? Doesn't seem fair. I hope you'll all join me in keeping our friend Gary in Green Bay this off-season.


"I Drink and I know Things" Meme
#25 Seattle Seahawks | (5-9)| Last Rank: 5th (-20)
#26 Cleveland Browns | (5-9) | Last Rank: 10th (-16)
#27 Buffalo Bills | (5-9) | Last Rank: 27th (+/-0)
“I got my 1st round draft pick. You guys have your 1st round draft pick? Swell. Let's pour another drink and get this over with." - Veteran GMs Rock Hewko, Wade Pearce and Ian Coyle as they ready for the coming winter/off-season. (probably)

Tough year for these guys, but they all have their 1st round draft picks. The Browns and Bills are developing young QBs, and the Seahawks have a ton of recent draft picks that are getting reps at key positions. I have a feeling all of these teams will be real contenders in 2018.


"Eat a W" Meme
#28 Jacksonville Jaguars | (5-9) | Last Rank: 21st (-7)
“Crablegs. I wish they actually named him Crablegs." - Olivier mumbling to himself as he picks out which suit to wear for the "back on the hot seat" Press Conference. (probably)

The Jaguars have been accumulating so much talent, but so far it hasn't showed up on the field. Jameis is a franchise QB, but has missed a ton of time this year. It looks like the hot seat next year is a lock, and it will be interesting to see if the Jaguars can turn things around. There have been rumors that Breck and Apolo may actually clear OUT of the division, so perhaps we'll soon return to the times of Jaguars playoff trips. The unfortunate thing is they won't have their 1st or 2nd round draft pick, so they're gonna need some of their young players to really step up.


"50 Cent Laughing" Meme
#29 Chicago Bears | (5-9)| Last Rank: 32nd (+3)
“This AF guy is a prick... but at least he didn't make me Chris Benoit this time. Nobody reads his articles, anyway." - Brent, to anyone who will listen. (probably)

The Bears. DA BEARS. Bears.


"We Were Rooting For You" Meme
#30 New York Jets | (4-10)| Last Rank: 4th (-26)
#31 Arizona Cardinals | (3-11) | Last Rank: 24th (-7)
“Remember winning a Super Bowl, mate? That was fun, wunninit?" - Cardinals GM Scott Gardiner as he lights a cig and opens the door for Jets GM Kevin Mullendore walking into the draft file review studio. (probably)

It's been a very rough year for the Jets, who seemingly will be back on the Hot Seat undoing their progress they made last year. The Cardinals have struggled returning to Super Bowl form over the last few years, but still have plenty of time with 2 more seasons to figure it out. I think ultimately this is a year both of these teams will be happy to forget and have behind them. Two of the most likeable guys in the league, and I'll never be able to NOT root for these two teams to be great. I think a lot of other GMs feel that way about these two, as well. No surprise both of these guys have won trophies, either.


"Sad Pikachu" Meme
#32 New Orleans Saints | (1-13) | Last Rank: 28th (-4)
“A good friend left me... and I miss him every day. But I know we'll always be friends. Forever." - Ash Ketchum, and Anthony Fernandez about Saints GM Nate Jones. (probably)

The Saints got screwed out of the #1 pick last year, but did what they had to so they made the first pick. This year? They did it again. And that was to have the worst record in the league. Anytime you take a rookie QB with the 1st overall pick on the HOT SEAT is super brave, but the Saints got saved by the QB injury. Their roster is a LOT better than they have been performing. It will be interesting to see if they grab the best player... or if they hold this pick ransom and try to secure a few starters to make sure they can return to their NFC South Champion form.

Thanks for reading! I'll finish this with the blurbs for each team tomorrow!